The CBE Scroll

Comment by sally

June 24, 2006 @ 12:59 am

Isn’t cosmetic enhancement just the super-extreme end of the beauty industry? We Christians don’t talk much about any of it – weight loss, fashion or how we physically present ourselves – from the pulpit.

But listen to women’s conversations and you’ll hear it all the time. I’m a wife of a theology student. So much of my current conversation with other wives revolves around the fact that I recently lost 10kg and now look a bit different. It’s not me who brings it up – it’s everyone else. We constantly talk about food, not dieting and how much exercise we don’t do. Cosmetic enhancement isn’t on our radar particularly, but the less extreme versions of how we look are.

Not that I think there’s anything wrong with talking about weight and health and beauty either for that matter. It is part of life after all. We spend enough time talking about toilet training our toddlers – why not exercise as well?

If anything, I think conservative Christians (in Australia at least) are way down the other end of the spectrum. We seem to hold the unconscious belief that any thought about how we look is ungodly.

Anyway, what would Christians say about cosmetic enhancement? It’s better to honour God by enjoying what he made and not trying to change it? We shouldn’t do it unless there’s a good reason? But what is a good reason? A hooked nose? Crooked teeth? (We all get braces don’t we?) Lots of lines get drawn and crossed in this area.

Why do we avoid talking about the physical aspect of life? We’re good at spiritual and even emotional these days, but we don’t do physical at all. Yet I think the three are intimately connected. And to have this split between spiritual and physical and emotional, where basically our bodies become almost unimportant in our Christian lives, is wholistically unhealthy.

Now this has got me thinking!

Comment by TeriLynn

June 24, 2006 @ 11:39 am

Anything can be over done. All things in moderation.

At one time in the seventies I knew a Christian group that didn’t let the women wear make up, cut their hair, or wear stylish clothing. They were only allowed to comb their hair not brush it. And their clothes had to be long dresses and not fitted.

On the other end of the spectrum would be the Hollywood/Beverly Hills Stepford wives, who might greet their husbands at the door wrapped in plastic. But at all other times be cleaned, preened, and prissed up before hubby comes home; food on the table, children washed and hushed.

So, I don’t know. If it’s broken, fix it. If it’s not broken or wounded, leave it alone. :) Stay healthy, be presentable, and feel good. Anything too far outside of that could be going overboard.

Comment by Ron Smith

June 24, 2006 @ 12:43 pm

Sally your conclusion is somewhere close to what I am thinking. My concern is that we may become 21st century Neo-platonists or worse yet 21st century gnostics.

Comment by Psalmist in Texas

June 24, 2006 @ 4:30 pm

I *think* I agree with each of you so far. Balance has to be there. Too much focus on the body and how it looks leads one to either the preoccupation with fashion and keeping up with advertising icons, or its flip side, which is enforced austerity that draws undue attention by going far beyond what common modesty would require. Too little focus on the body can lead to not caring sufficiently for the body (in terms of cleanliness or dressing presentably), or doing what one pleases to the exclusion of how it affects others (including too-revealing clothing that’s “comfortable”).

As for cosmetic surgery, I think it is generally unnecessary. But then, so is most of what passes for “necessary” in the affluent West. Our homes, our wardrobes, our cars, our entertainment…it can boggle the mind. Just look at what constitutes “decent, affordable housing” in various countries (a la Habitat for Humanity), and we see how a basic US house would be palatial in so many other places.

I think that the “need” for cosmetic surgery goes beyond western idolatry of beauty to western idolatry of youth. I’m speaking as an American woman now. We have completely lost the idea that gray hair is a dignity that comes with later maturity. Instead, it’s something that must be covered up. We see each wrinkle as a tragedy that must be filled in, plumped up, or otherwise concealed. We spend mind-boggling amounts of money to lift up sagging breasts, tuck in well-fed tummies, and pamper and paint feet that we’re almost deforming by forcing them into ill-fitting but fashionable shoes. Our legs and arms (and hands and feet and eyebrows) must be waxed, our fingernails must be the perfect shape and shade, and God forbid that we be caught wearing last year’s clothes. Even our jewelry must be trendy. Really, it’s no wonder that so many women who can afford it, undergo cosmetic surgery.

What occurs to me is that this seeking after beauty and youth widens the gap between the rich and the poor, both in our own society and world-wide. I’m so tempted to side with the Preacher (Ecclesiastes) and declare everything “vanity.”

But as with so many other things, I don’t think that legislating against cosmetic surgery (and I mean a spiritual proscription) is the answer. I think the church can and ought to be fostering an attitude in our members that an in-shape, well-fed, well-tended body attired simply, modestly, and comfortably is attractive. That doesn’t mean giving up bathing suits, dressing in floor-length skirts, and never showing upper arms or knees. It does mean women helping women, and men helping men, and parents helping children, overcome our idolatry of young, movie-attractive people as the standard to which we must all aspire. It means accepting the human form as a beautiful part of God’s creation while not lusting after it.

And I have to wonder, when all is said and done, if the cost of purely cosmetic surgery is compatible with good stewardship of our financial blessings. As for myself, if I had that kind of disposable income, I’d far rather give it to Doctors Without Borders so that a child who needs reconstructive surgery somewhere else in the world can have his or her life changed, rather than having my jowls reduced. Honestly.

Comment by Lori

June 27, 2006 @ 6:35 am

I’m glad this blog entry was made, because I rarely hear this issue discussed in depth in Christian circles. Usually it boils down to a few rules. “Cosmetic surgery is wrong. Don’t give in to worldly thinking and become too vain. God looks at the inside, not the outside.”

I think it’s good, though, to discuss why even Christian women struggle with the world’s definition of beauty. I know I’m certainly not immune. I see skinny women and I think “Oh, man, if only I could lose 20 pounds overnight and look like them!”

I don’t think it’s entirely culture-driven. I mean, make-up has been around since ancient times, and the ideal of the skinny woman for about a hundred years, despite the changes in culture. I think it’s because for centuries women have had to attract men. I mean, in past ages, if you were a woman and you didn’t get married, you really didn’t have much hope. I believe that need and desire have become so deeply entrenched that women can’t shake it off, even thought they are capable of surviving on their own now.

Comment by PSoftly

June 29, 2006 @ 8:29 am

My mom’s words come back to me, “Be satisfied with the way God made you.” But…I do cover the grey.

There are many issues with this that can be tied to spirituality.

Use of money and time are two big ones. But…here I sit at my expensive computer, reading blogs.

I also think of something I read in a Christian Women’s magazine regarding women who were perfectionistic housekeepers. The author speculated that they never felt “good enough.” And if you don’t feel “good enough” can you really be open to God’s grace as it is poured out for those who truly realize that they aren’t good enough on their own. Will you accept the work of grace in your life if you think you have to earn it?

Ponder how this might apply to people who seek cosmetic surgery or do excess exercise because they are “not good enough” by worldly standards.

BTW, I saw on TV that one of the S. American countries (can’t remember which) has a huge percentage of people having cosmetic surgery, way more than in the US.

Comment by Kathryn Vance

July 1, 2006 @ 10:17 pm

I too am concerned with the explosion of cosmetic surgery in our world. It is more of an obsession to look “perfect” in too many cases. Certainly there are times when cosmetic surgery is necessary, even beneficial, but when we are more concerned with how we look than who we are, we have gone overboard. We need to be developing inner beauty and focusing more on our intelligence, character, and above all, fellowship with the Lord (having the “mind of Christ”, Isa. 26:3, 2 Timothy 1:7, etc.). Of course, we need to look attractive and dress modestly; it is not my intent to paint with too broad a brush, but we must have our priorities straight. After all, if women are going to stand up and preach, we need to have something to say that will touch people and change lives.

Comment by Sammy

July 11, 2006 @ 7:48 am

I have a slightly deformed spine, especially at the back of the neck. At 56 I have acquired lots of droopy skin under my chin and neck – I feel very self-conscious about it. If I could have it removed it would lift and tighten an ageing face beyond its years. I have asked the Lord to supernaturally tighten it, as I know He understands how affected I am by it. Of course He hasn’t and now I am thinking if I had His blessing, I would raise the cash and find a Christian cosmetic surgeon.

I love the Lord and am committed to serving Him – have you any thoughts or suggestions as to how I resolve this in my mind/heart?

Comment by TeriLynn

July 12, 2006 @ 11:22 am

re Post #8

Don’t fuss over it. There are Christian cosmetic surgeons. If you find a good one and can find the cash, I say go for it. :) After all we cut our hair when it get’s wild or too long and unruly. We pluck our eyebrows and the strange grey hairs that migrate to the chin as we get older. Most of us shave our legs and under our arms. We can do a lot of socially presentable activities and personal vanity items in moderation.

Comment by Kathryn

July 13, 2006 @ 9:26 pm

Comment #8: If you love the Lord, put Him first, and your heart is honest before Him, go for it. My only concern is to keep things in their proper perspective. Moderation is the key word here. Another word for it is balance.

Comment by Xara

March 25, 2007 @ 11:44 am

While I understand where everyone is coming from, I have to give a different perspective.

Whether we want to admit this or not, we are in crisis times in the church. God is perfect, as is His love (His love is everlasting). However, people are far from perfect, even those in the church. People are vulnerable to plastic surgery and all kinds of “altering” because those are the times we live in. Altering occurs on many levels. Women born brunettes dye their hair blonde. Women with curly/kinky hair relax it straight. Men dye their grays. People get their ears pierced. No one was born with these things, but they altered themselves.

I think the issue is not whether someone gets augmented or altered, but why. A person’s heart is equally important in God’s eyes as their actions.

And as I said before, the church is in a crisis, particularly when it comes to its singles. Yes, the church wants to stuff everyone with the idea that if you are single, it’s God’s gift to you. And for some, this is the truth. However, to believe that God intended for all these single people to be single is not a truth. And singleness affects women more than men, particularly as they age. Many women may (mistakenly or otherwise) believe that they must remain beautiful to “catch” a man, even a Christian man. Because many Christian men are looking at the same things as worldly men (looks then personality).

I’m not using this as an excuse to alter every little thing you don’t like about yourself, but it does give food for thought. I’ve never had any “work” done, but I do sympathize with those that have.

Comment by Leo

April 12, 2007 @ 10:25 pm

Okay,, well,,

Cosmetic Surgery is one of those things which is quite hard to discern,,, I spose if they had cosmetic surgery clinics back in Jesus’ times and Jesus commented on it then it would make it a lot easier so,, how do we discern it?

Keep it biblical…

Do all to the glory of God… We must at all times do evertything to the glory of God,,, otherwise we become fakes… Always trust,, always obey.. you cant live a good christian life outside these rules (Noones perfect though) Whatsoever is not of faith is sin…… Doing things of faith is when you do things wholeheartedly toward God,, You’ll know when you’re working of faith because youll have a peace,, a stillness within you which strengthens your actions,, this is when you feel like God is empowering you.. And he is….. Youll notice that when God is working,, there is no guile or thinking twice about what you are doing,, you see to produce fruit of the spirit all you need to do is holdfast to God the true vine,, like he says,, seek ye first the kingdom of God and everything will be added unto you…..

But you see.. the thing is. God wants us to look the best we can,, but not be preoccupied with ourselves. As christians we should think of ourselves the way God thinks of us.. its about changing our opinion of ourselves to what he thinks of us,, not about what we think of ourselves….. So.. If you’re gonna get cosmetic surgery.. Make sure it is of faith.. Make sure you believe that God is behind you every step of the way…. Just know that God did not create the perfect image you are trying to equate your body too.. That’s what the media did…… As we all know satan is the prince of the airwaves…. So I think the main thing here is just that you should remember to draw near to God,, then he’ll tell you what to do.. It’s actually up to you whether you get plastic surgery or not.. And the subject of beauty i’s something which can cause conusion within the kingdom of God…… So just remember that whatever you do ,, do it to the glory of God.

I actually want to get Rosaceaea surgery on my face,, I’m 18 years old and Ive just finished having really bad acne and I dont like being reminded of my overeating which gave me this acne and therefore scars… these red veins are not cool.. But I juss know I gotta remember,, do all to the glory of God…..
But I know that God wants the best for me… So Im just praying for an answer……..

P.S God will clothe you!

Comment by Doctor B

June 13, 2007 @ 6:36 pm

Interesting site. I appreciate a lot of sincere thoughts expressed here…

I am a devoted Christian physician who recently graduated medical school and I am now training to be a plastic surgeon. For years- in fact, even during the beginning of medical school- I was of the opinion that all of Plastic Surgery was not of God. I NEVER even considered entering the field. But things changed when I learned more about the field and I realized I had artistic ability with my hands.

There are a few things that most people don’t know about plastic surgery and should be familiar with.

First, Plastic Surgery has two major components, cosmetic and reconstructive. The former we are all familiar with. The later however, involves in a broad sense restoring damaged or altered aspects of the body (via genetics, trauma, disease, etc) that are usually not the result of normal aging. This includes things like cleft lip and palate repair, removal of excess skin after massive weight loss, pinning back of prominent ears, skin grafts, facial fractures and lacerations, scar revisions, coverage of massive tissue loss (eg., mastectomy, trauma), hand surgery (a big field most forget about), etc. etc.

Purely changing aspects of the body to alter the course of aging or to make a body part that is “normal” look better is what I call Cosmetic Surgery.

The big problem with Plastic Surgery is what people are defining as “normal”. Of course Hollywood and the World think anything less than perfect is not “normal”. I can tell you that the patients I have seen in consultation and in the operating room are some of the most psychologically complex patients in all of medicine (and quite often unstable). Some have become so convinced and brainwashed that a certain aspect of their body is not “normal” that their identity and self-worth are all balanced on the potential of a scalpel. That is sin. And we know that from Scripture because our value comes from Him and we are all beautiful in His eyes.

Leo (39493) who commented just before me expressed it well when he talked about doing it for the right reasons and with the right motives.

In short, if the bags over your eyes block your peripheral vision, or you want breast reconstruction after mastectomy, or like Leo you have a damaged nose from childhood acne I WOULD likely do your surgery (remembering even the Christian Plastic Surgeon has to be in prayer about what he/she does or does not do). If you want an augmentation or a tummy tuck to fit into a bikini this summer, or your want your crows feet removed from the corner of your eyes because they make you look your age, I WOULD NOT likely do your surgery. You are a beautiful expression of the blessed years God has given you!

Of course my simple little scenario above is not meant to condemn anyone who undergoes Cosmetic Surgery of their choosing. God knows your heart and your motives. ALWAYS REMEMBER– He loves you the same before and after the scalpel ever touches your skin.

God Bless you all!
Doctor B

Comment by Greg

June 23, 2008 @ 6:23 am

I wonder why Christians do not come to the aid of fellow christains that have cosmetic facial and/or body damage from assaults by the occult members. They do enjoy decorating and marking christians faces, which means defacing them. It does not matter to what degree one has damage to the face if it is caused by the occult members, it should be fixed as much as possible not to give the enemy of God the final victory. Yet no one renders aid, even Christians. Is money their god that they do no help others who need psych relief from assault.

Once we have messed up faces people seem to shun us and of course the organizations that have secrets add to the attacking regularly.

Any advice.

Comment by Lindy

November 16, 2008 @ 6:43 pm

I spent tons of money on plastic surgery after my husband left me for my teenage stepdaughter. She never admits it, but he was so addicted to her looks, and personality that he got sick of me. I was so wounded, and still tried to forget it, and ask God to help resolve this horrid situation. I went to the elders at the church board to complain, but because of his prominence in the community, nobody cared to accept my judgement Well, to make a long story short, I am still miserable with all this plastic surgery, because all the men I know just complain endlessly. Either they want more, not happy, need other stimulating good looking gals, or they are super pious, and like the wives who do not wear make up, just look unkempt all the time It is funny that I am reading this site, and somehow am lost in it. I am sometimes afraid that my spirit is lost, and God has forgotten all the attempts I’ve made to try to win over the male of the species. They just keep hamering away, and somehow I just get stuck. It used to be okay just to be good, kind, pretty, nice and a christian wife, but somehow men are getting downright stupid. Nothing more ever seems to click, and I am like somebody lost in the hope that God can get me on with my sorrow over my divorce, and help me to get going on with my life as his daughter in Christ and maybe He will answer my prayer for a decent mate.

Comment by faith

November 16, 2008 @ 9:12 pm

Lindy, I hear a lot of pain in your story. Do you have someone to talk with about your pain? I do not believe that God has left you or forgotton you. People can indeed be very shallow and uncaring. But God is not that way. He sees that pain and your unjust experiences.

Give yourself time to heal, discover your own voice and own sense of who you are. Discover your gifts Then you will not be abused again. Therapists help a lot, divorce recovery groups. Spiritual directors can help. Seek them out.

I hear your saddness… people care, God cares.

Comment by jlp

November 17, 2008 @ 8:44 pm

Lindy,

Maybe what you need right now is not a mate (maybe sometime later) but good friends who will hold your hand during the difficult times.

Comment by Chandra

April 18, 2009 @ 10:49 pm

I just came across this blog and I need advice from others who have also spent time in thought and prayer over plastic surgery. I recently discovered that my husband (of 18 years) spent time viewing Internet pornography. Now, he claims repentence and we are very good, close friends. My problem, though, is now I feel very inadequate physically. I want to please my husband and, to the extent I can, be attractive to him. Is this a valid “motive” for plastic surgery? I am praying for an answer and God’s guidance in this.

Comment by jlp

April 19, 2009 @ 9:26 am

Christ loves you just as you are, without plastic surgery. A husband’s love for his wife is supposed to be like Christ’s love for us. Let your husband learn to love you just as you are.
Christ does (love you just as you are) and not as plastic surgery would make you into being. If you need to have plastic surgery in order to please your husband, you are in a no win situation.

My father was not overweight, but my mother was. He loved her just like she was even though for most of his life he was not a Christian. It is possible for men to love women as they are, instead of as what plastic surgery would make them into being.

Matthew 5
27″You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’[e] 28But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away.

Obviously, your husband should not gouge out his eye. But he is the one who needs to change in this situation, not you.

Comment by jlp

April 19, 2009 @ 9:36 am

Chandra,

Do you require that your husband have plastic surgery in order for him to be more attractive to you? Of course not because you love him. Then why do you need to have plastic surgery so that you can be more attractive to him? Why can’t he love you as you are?

Some men, even Christian men have a double standard on attractiveness. They require that their wives meet a certain standard of attractiveness, but they don’t hold that standard for themselve. Is that what your husband is doing?

Comment by tiro

April 19, 2009 @ 11:11 am

Chandra, if the kind of plastic surgery you are thinking of has to do with bigger ‘boobs’, I don’t recommend it. One can get a breast lift for sagging breasts which is safer. But for those with small breasts they should be thankful. They will enlarge as one gets older. And small breasts are much better for the back.

Pornography gives a juvenile cartoonish view of the female body with women who have had plastic surgery and who do not express real emotions. A real man needs a real woman and not fantasies. Perhaps, counseling will help your husband come back to the real world and find its a better world.

Comment by jlp

April 19, 2009 @ 11:12 am

Chandra,

I accidentally said:

But he is not who needs to change in this situation, not you.

I meant to say, he is the one who needs to change in this situation – not you. You don’t have to change your appearance. He needs to learn to love you just as you are, just as Christ loves you just as you are.

Comment by mathladyX2

April 19, 2009 @ 11:39 am

Tiro is right about smaller breasts being better for the back. I hate to admit this, but I have wished all my life for smaller breasts for this very reason. I can’t begin to tell you how much physical discomfort I have had because I have large breasts.

And to add to that, I have to be careful of everything I wear or men are staring at my breasts. I wish men would see my large breasts as simply feminine instead of sexuall enticing.

Comment by MathLady2X

April 19, 2009 @ 2:17 pm

Chandra – perhaps what you need is not cosmetic surgery, but for your husband to get treatment for sexual addiction instead. Pornography/sexual addiction distorts what a man sees as attractive.

Comment by jlp

April 19, 2009 @ 3:24 pm

Why does He do that?
Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
By Lundy Bancroft

Page 184-185
In pornography that is geared towards heterosexual men, women are portrayed as very simple. They are always in the mood for sex, and they never say no. They have no sexual needs-or any needs-of their own; all they seem to care about is the man’s pleasure. They require no commitment, no sacrifice, and little money. When a man is finished with them, he turns off the video or closes the magazine, and they’re gone. What could be easier?

Most pornographic images regrettably fit well with the abusive mindset. The woman is available and submissive. Reduced to a body, and further reduced to her sexual organs, she is depersonalized. The man owns her, literally, because he owns the video or the magazine or computer image. The woman is sometimes even depicted as being sexually excited by verbal abuse, roughness, violence or even torture. Cartoons and jokes in pornography often insult or degrade women and their anatomy, or even make rape appear funny, feeding anti-female ways of thinking.
For many abusive men, pornography has shaped their sexuality since they were teenagers or even younger. It has helped them to form their view of what women are like and what they ought to be. When a graduate of what I call “The Pornography School of Sexuality” discovers, for example, that his partner does not find a slap in the face arousing, he thinks that’s evidence of something wrong with her sexually, not him. His mind-set is: The women in the magazines and videos all like it, so why don’t you? A large percentage of abused women report that they have been pressured one or more times to behave like the women in pornography, often to the point of acting out a specific scenario that a man finds enticing but she experiences as repulsive, frightening, or violent. Abusers thus sometimes directly model their sexual interests on stories or images from pornography…….

….I have received numerous reports over the years about women being pressured or required by their abusive partners to watch pornography……Pornography tends to be filled with the abuse of women, so his drive to make her watch it can also come from wanting to prove to her that his degrading treatment is normal.

Comment by egnightmare

April 19, 2009 @ 7:28 pm

The name Chandra is based on the Sanskrit symbol ‘to shine’. Shine brightly as you are. What anyone finds attractive can change. Physical attractiveness in a large part is how one carries themselves. Some of the most absolutely breathtaking women I know look nothing like the DD cup, 24 inch waisted women so prevalent in porn. I’ve been there, spent way too much time online, looking at porn on the internet, video, magazines, whatever I had available at the time. Then I met a woman who didn’t have those qualities, but to this day every single time I see a picture of her, I get that twinge in my solar plexus that reminds me just how amazingly beautiful she is. The sparkle in her eye, the way the corners of her mouth lifted up when she tried to keep a secret, that portwine mark she tried to hide. No implants, nip/tuck, or lipo could make me desire her more than seeing those eyes light up and hearing that excitement in her voice when she was genuinely happy about something. I’m a cynic, I have been most of my life. I still can’t believe I fell for someone so completely optimistic. Sometimes I used to think she was genuinely surprised we didn’t win the lottery. If your body isn’t as attractive to him as he would wish, he is the one that needs to work on that. I know women of all shapes and sizes who are absolutely beautiful, and once they start seeing that, it’s amazing how it magnifies.

Comment by jlp

April 19, 2009 @ 8:04 pm

EGNightmare,

Thank you so much for sharing, that was beautiful!

Comment by LMcC

April 20, 2009 @ 10:00 am

I’m glad he showed up :)

Chandra: Don’t even think about plastic surgery because of your husband’s problems. The problem isn’t you. He has an addiction, he needs to deal with it, and nothing you do will make him better.

Sadly, the traditionalist/complementarian church is cruel to women whose husbands have problems. Women are told to endure beatings when husbands have anger problems. Women are the ones who must risk their health if husbands are unfaithful and bring home an STD. Women are told to change to make their husbands better men. Wrong on ALL counts. Men and women must be held to the same high standard of accountability. Forcing one to change when the other has the problem is as useless and nonsensical as operating on an arm when a patient has a broken leg.

Comment by egnightmare

April 20, 2009 @ 10:09 am

Chandra is my sister’s name, how could I not show up?

Comment by Liz

April 20, 2009 @ 5:39 pm

I would echo JLP’s word EG. It is so encouraging to hear a man speak like that. I hope there are many people who read this who will believe what you say and thank God for who they are.

Chandra….even if it was not your husband’s intention to put the responsibility on you, that is what has happened. It is an oft-repeated scenario where somehow the ‘innocent’ partner feels that somehow it must be their fault or feels inferior in some way. Please don’t listen to that lie – as has already been said, we are all responsible for our own thoughts and actions.

This situation is also indicative of the thought that somehow it is the woman’s responsibility to keep the marriage intact through whatever means rather than both people ‘caring enough to confront’ while loving unconditionally.

Comment by jlp

April 20, 2009 @ 6:35 pm

In this life, if people only love us for our appearance – we aren’t loved.

Comment by Trevor

April 20, 2009 @ 8:13 pm

Chandra,

I guess that it’s natural, as a woman, to feel in some way responsible for the fact that your husband gratified his sexual desire with pornographic images. But that is his responsibility not yours. The scripture is clear, as has already been quoted by JLP, that even to look on a woman with lust in your heart is sin. You say that he says he has repented. If so that’s wonderful but the proof of the depth of his repentance will be that he expects nothing more of you and will love you for who you are, not for what you might do to improve your sexual appearance. The risks of surgery have already been expressed, as has the various advantages and disadvantages of our inherited anatomical structure. As a male I’m with EGNightmare on the matter of what should turn a committed Christian man on, it’s the full person expressed in a woman’s mind, wit, charm, spirituality, character and personality, not just her body.

That is the truly degrading thing about pornography, it reduces a woman to being simply a sexual object and a means for anonymous gratification. It seems, or is said by some, to be harmless, or victimless but that is a lie of the devil. The people who allow themselves to be photographed and used by the pornographic industry are usually very mixed up people who have little hope of living a naturally fulfilling, loved filled life. The people who are addicted to pornography, if they happen to be married, can and do inflict their now twisted desires for sexual gratification on their partners to the destruction of mutual love and marriage. If users of porn are unmarried and seek to gratify their sexual appetite physically one can only guess where that can potentially lead. So the truth is that there are victims of porn almost everywhere and the over sexualization of society is the obvious evidence.

The sad reality is Chandra that you now have become one such victim yourself because you are made to feel that you need to improve your physical appearance in order to satisfy your husband sexually. Even though he may not agree with that, and I would be very interested to know what his actual feelings are, you have been left with that feeling. I can only reiterate, the problem is his. You didn’t make him view pornography. Somehow, through whatever means or opportunity he allowed himself to get caught up in it. He should be eternally grateful that you have sought to understand him and welcome him to remain in the marriage. He should be doing lovingly everything possible to show his love, faithfulness and total commitment to you as the person you are.

Comment by jlp

April 21, 2009 @ 6:20 pm

Trevor and EGNightmare,

You two are awesome, absolutely awesome.

Comment by egnightmare

April 24, 2009 @ 10:50 am

thank you, but I’m just someone who has made more mistakes than most and am trying to learn from them.

Comment by Dr. Shirley

April 26, 2009 @ 8:34 am

Interesting article and interesting comments. Here’s my 2 cents.

1. Some breast modification surgery is mostly for health reasons; reduction improves back function, reduces back ache, etc. My sister-in-law was SO glad she had this.

2. Chandra: The comments are right. The problem is NOT YOU. Altering yourself won t help HIS problem. A woman could spend tons of money on surgery, look like a barbie doll, and it would not necessarily be what her mate thinks he wants. I hope your mate will be willing to get counseling for HIS sexual addiction. Blessings, sister.

3. Lindy: dear sister, believe me, you do not need to have a man to live a full and happy life. Perhaps it would be good if you concentrated on developing some interests of your own without gearing everything you are doing to trying to get a man to pay attention. Perhaps, a sport–tennis, golf, etc; or an activity–gardening, painting, etc; or a group–human rights committee, Red Cross, Toastmasters Club, YMCA board, etc. Concentrate on one or more of these, and give no thought to looking for a man. It goes without saying that when you don’t have to spend a lot of time on a man, you can improve the amount of time you can spend communicating with God and with your family. Think about it. God bless you.