The CBE Scroll

How do people react when you are introduced to them as a pastor?

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at that question. About two weeks into the pastorate I was officiating at a very large funeral—my first. The hour before the funeral was a “viewing” so I greeted people I knew, met family members, and so on. I thought all was going well. Then I was introduced to a cousin of the deceased. “This is our new pastor” said the smiling parishioner, nodding towards me and looking expectant. Cousin looked stunned and stepped backwards. A moment of silence ensued, during which time I extended my hand. No response. After an awkward moment she said, “The pastor?” I nodded, my hand still extended, “Yes, I am the pastor at Jubilee.” “The real pastor?” At that point she very pointedly looked me over slowly from head to toe and back. “So,” she said, “does that make you a…a pastorette?” I dropped my hand and said, “A pastorette? No, I have never heard of such a thing as a pastorette. I’m simply the pastor.” That ended the conversation.

Once I received a phone call from our church’s insurance agency. The secretary asked to speak with the pastor. When I replied that she was speaking with the pastor, she said, “No, I don’t want to speak with his secretary. I want to speak directly to the pastor.” “I understand. You are speaking to the pastor right now.” “I am trying to contact the senior pastor of the church.” “Right” I reply, “I’m it.” “No, dear, I don’t want to speak to you. Are you the pastor’s wife? I want to speak with your husband, please.” I was getting testy, to say the least. “I am not the pastor’s wife. I have told you three times now that I am the pastor.” The line went silent for some time. “Are you there?” The voice on the other end said, “A woman? A woman pastor?” I really could hardly believe that she could be so rude, and worse, that she could be totally unaware that there are women clergy. I took a deep breath and said, “There are many women pastors. Not as many as men, but we are out here.” “Well,” she replied, apparently still not sure if I was being truthful, “I’ve never heard of such a thing.” I said goodbye and hung up the phone, and later I called the agent personally and asked him to educate his secretary. I asked politely. It was grace!

On the positive side, I am in an unusual situation in that there are actually more women clergy in my area than men. I was quite shocked when I attended my first ministerial meeting to find six women present and two men! So most of the time I don’t get the kind of reactions I noted above. Once in a while they still happen. And sometime we will have visitors who, upon being introduced to me, look stunned and head for the door before church begins. That makes me deeply sad.

Something that really irks me is receiving form letters, sometimes even from departments in my own denomination, which speak to me as a “he.” I was once invited to come to the district men’s meeting, a three-day event, and bring “your men.” I couldn’t let that one go. I responded and I’ll leave that to your imagination, but this year I received the same kind of letter again.

How have you dealt with those who are opposed to women in ministry?

It depends on the situation. Sometimes I try to educate them a little bit. Usually I don’t. I just do the best I can to be gracious, and I move on. I have been known to write letters, as I did to the men’s director who invited me to the men’s conference. I once wrote our headquarters about a graphic they had suggested our churches use for pastor appreciation day. It was a well-done black and white depiction of five people in a harvest field. All were male. It would have been simple to make just one or two female. I received a perfunctory reply to my letter, from a secretary. I know I could become distracted about the issue to the detriment of other things I need to do, so I try to focus on the work God gives me, most of the time. It gets easier as time goes on. Usually. Once in a while I am surprised at the pain I feel at being rejected or (worse) patronized because of gender.