My experience has been that within the community of Christian workers, single women are valued for their gifts and intelligence, but are not considered quite ‘grown-up.’ Married women are considered ‘grown-up’ and have higher status, but are no longer considered to have as much intelligence. This is my experience and I rejoice if it is the exception rather than the rule.

But to tell you the truth, single men are regarded with suspicion, as if there is something wrong with them. So it goes both ways.

That’s the impression I got also.

Wow! I have to admit that my stereotype of 1950s women was a housewife in a frilly apron, but Rachel was out there in the jungle, operating a radio, healing people’s sicknesses, earning the trust of local people, and translating the Bible.

What a role model! But how come we don’t hear enough of women like that?

Seeking to make disciples of Jesus across cultures is hard work, whether one is single or not. Between my husband and I, we have done this work as a single woman, a single man, a married couple with no children, and a married couple with children.

My experience has been that within the community of Christian workers, single women are valued for their gifts and intelligence, but are not considered quite ‘grown-up.’ Married women are considered ‘grown-up’ and have higher status, but are no longer considered to have as much intelligence. This is my experience and I rejoice if it is the exception rather than the rule.

But to tell you the truth, single men are regarded with suspicion, as if there is something wrong with them. So it goes both ways.

My husband and I are now able to laugh at it, but when we were first married, it was quite annoying when people would come up to me and say, ‘How do you feel about following your husband to [scary country x]?’ As if I had not already been called to that work and already had experience there.

Also, when asked to speak at churches, often it is only my husband that is asked to speak, but he insists that I join in since we are ‘in this together.’

It is shocking and saddening what has gone on. Churches, like families, are supposed to be safe havens. Since I work in the foster care system I am familiar with disfunctional families as well. It also breaks my heart. And with all this disfunction in the ‘Faith of the Fathers’ is it any wonder that many sons and daughters abandon their faith because they are not allowed to ever question their fathers?

My hat’s off to all who have suffered through such things and yet somehow were able to come through to the other side while holding onto their faith in God and the Bible.

Absolute power corrupts absolutely. It’s true in government, churches, and families.

You say you blog. You most likely have linked it here before. But do you mind linking it again? I’m not done with Bassenco (thanks, by the way). But as you said, she leans complementarian. I’d be interested in what you have to say about your experiences. Thanks again.

What’s frustrating about the whole debate is the mixed consensus on the issue of women in ministry. One never knows what one is gonna get. Support? Judgement? Quizzical looks? The ground is so unstable. Institutional and social validation is not present for women like it is for men. In the United States where I live, views are mixed. But when one steps up to the plate to follow God, especially in leadership… the generous charity disolves into near hostility.

One cannot depend on validation from church, society, or the religious institutions… makes the journey more challenging.

I’m from Australia, and as a Christian I have experienced and been taught both complementary and egalitarian views in my church. We have people on both sides of the divide attending our church and it has been a real example of ’submission to one another in love’ as we function together as a church and community. Women are excluded from the role of elder but perform all other ministries including pastoring, teaching, team leadership, evangelism, etc.

I am in my late fifties and have observed many marriage relationships over the years and, in my opinion, the richest marriage relationships are those that practice, whether they know it or not, egalitarianism. Many of these couples would say they hold complementary views but in reality ’submit to one another as to the Lord.’

When one partner exerts dominance over the other, whether it is the man or the women and even when this is consentual, the relationship starts to have barriers and lacks balance. I doesn’t seem as ‘rich’ and open a union. I don’t know why this is, but one thought, maybe the openness and truthfulness flows more freely in both directions. Each are at liberty to give way to the other. It is ‘good’ to see men and women who willing see each talent/gift, issue, burden and joy as a shared experience, without gender bias. Their relationship is the richer for it.

This overflows into the church community, where men and women can serve alongside each other ’submitting to one another, as to the Lord.’

I recently read The Good Hand of God, an autobiography of Ruth Hitchcock, a missionary in China from the 1930s to 1949 and then in Hong Kong. She came from Santa Barbara, United States. I had not read a missionary autobiograhy for some years. As I was reading the book I noticed the prominence of women both in the overseas missionary and local missionary ranks. There were ‘Bible women,’ mostly local women, who were evangelists, who went out in twos and planted churches in the area around Canton. Men, mainly local Chinese and their ministries, including evangelism, were also included in the book. But just in the telling of the tale by Ruth, men seemed outnumbered by about five to one (my calculation).

I know we can’t build an assumption on this but it was interesting and I have only thought of it because of the current discussion on your site. Ruth Hitchcock did not talk about equality or feminism in her book, she just followed her Lord.

The small church I attend supports our denominational missionaries overseas and there are many couples, about five single women and no single men. As a denomination we would be classed as very conservative. My local church is ‘out of step’ with the majority in our denomination in Australia. Other local churches in our denomination would not give the liberty to women to minister, as my local church does, yet womens’ taking on wider ministry roles (i.e. teaching of men and women, leadership, etc.) is acceptable ‘in the mission field.’

If only we could accept the richness in God that each of us, both men and women, are given.

An example from recent experience – I attended another church for a commendation of missionaries for evangelistic and pastoring work among seafarers on large ships (i.e. container and bulk carriers). The wife of the couple who were being commended was not allowed to stand beside her husband as he was interviewed regarding their ministry. They go on the ships as a team but she was told she must be silent, otherwise one of the elders would immediately leave. She was allowed to come and stand beside her husband as the elders of that church prayed for them and their ministry. What nonsense is this! But I chose, with gritted teeth to ’submit’ and be gracious.

I praised the Lord that he has put me in a community of people, my local church, who value each individual and where sex, race, age, and cosmetics are not issues of the day. Yes, some of our men dye their hair and don’t have to hide it.

My daughters are gifted, educated women. (Please don’t think that I think education is a prerequisite to godly service) I wonder what Paul would say to them if in their ministries and relationships they were not using their God-given gifts to edify the saints.

I know of a case in which the husband cheated on his wife, and the wife was told to take him back. The wife cheated on him, and suddenly everyone looked the other way when he filed for divorce. I’m not saying either one was right, but what was good for the goose should have been fine for the gander. The husband remarried and worked for the church, and the wife is one of my sister’s close friends.

Could this have been just my church? Maybe. But then, maybe not. I heard of lot of sexist and even racist jokes from pulpits from staff and evangelists alike. My mom actually caught one of the choir high-ups on a date, and not with his wife. It shouldn’t have been a surprise, since the pastor’s own marriage was in bad shape. He even implied from the pulpit that his marriage was a mistake. His wife only stayed with him because of her own desire to obey God and preserve the church. With examples like that, no wonder we church and school kids got such wrong ideas about Christian marriage. When certain IFB scandals broke out in the late 1980s, I figured out that my church wasn’t exactly unique.

Going back to topic: the pain single female missionaries must suffer over the idea that they may have to sacrifice a loving marriage to obey God is definitely real and intense, but they’re not alone in it. If a church teaches views about marriage that put women at an extreme disadvantage, the girls who grow up in it and don’t know anything else in Christianity start to believe the same thing.

Even though I’m married now to a loving Christian man, I can’t forget what I learned in those days. To this day, the pastor’s marriage is the second thing I look at in a new church – after doctrine, of course. I’m not looking for a perfect union, just a loving one. Without that, the church can’t function well for at least half of its population. (If the pastor is single, naturally I watch how s/he treats members of the opposite sex.)

As far as my basket cases: I might have to put that in my blogs. Let’s just say I’ve been dumped for a Tammy Faye clone after I was told not to wear make-up.

I’ve seen complementarians and I’ve seen complementarians not admit that domestic abuse exists in the church, but I’ve not seen double standards about adultery. Perhaps it’s not that particular denomination, but that particular church you went to. I don’t know, but the more I hear about what you have come out of, I see that I have little to complain about.

And this is probably not the place, but I’d like to hear an example, sometime, of one of the basket-case guys you dated.

This may seem strange, but it’s not just missionary women who have felt like it was either live for God or get married. I remember thinking as a teenager that I could either have a loving marriage or a Christian marriage, but not both, because of all of the messages I was picking up at church. The marriages were a joke, the only thing heard from the pulpit was ‘women submit,’ there was a double standard about adultery… and I couldn’t avoid noticing that non-Christians seemed to have happier marriages than the Christians did. I dated anyway, but I’ve got stories about some real basket-case guys as a result. Even after I left that church, I kept seeing happier marriages among non-Christians and ‘liberal’ (read: not hyper-conservative) Christians. Since marrying a non-Christian was forbidden, it was either find love or obey God – having both was not an option.

I can’t help but wonder how many egalitarian women may believe they still have to make the choice between obeying God and finding a mate. I say ‘women’ because it appears that egalitarian men are a small minority and wouldn’t have the same problem finding a wife.