However, I asked our pastor to introduce us as Mr and Mrs Shane Greenwood as a symbol of my willingness to join my identity with his, to live one life together.

Me and my wife (try to) live in a egalitarian marriage, when we got married she changed her last name to my family name, but that was only until we did what has become more common here in Sweden. Namely to “invent” your own new last name and take that instead. So we both changed last name now 3.5 into our marriage when we had the money and time to come up with a good last name.

Is this a common practice in other countries as well?

To adress a woman as mrs NN is thankfully not common in Sweden. And here it is considered strange to most people if you would write your wedding invitation to me and my wife with my name first if you know her better.

Sorry for my english :-)

Thank you for understanding.

Firstly Issachar, welcome to the site. We do have some comment rules here, among them that we are careful to engage in peaceful dialogue and that we don’t speak derisively of other people thereby misjudging their motives.

Unfortunately you did get a reaction from LMCC but I don’t think you can deny that you potentially set her up with your closing line, “my guess is that you’re pretty steamed up by now, but I’m not taking the rap for that.” You really threw down the gauntlet there and I really would have preferred that LMCC ignore it.

However, in defense of her, and all of my christian sisters, it does appear that your attitude is one of condescension, or could easily be construed as being so. I would like to suggest that It is impossible for us as males to fully appreciate what it can mean to our personhood to experience the sense of loss and disempowerment attested to by the various female responders to this post.

Granted you, Issachar, have fulfilled all of the criteria that LMCC proferred but one, you are a male. Despite the experiences that you share of numerous misunderstandings, of which you were able to see the funny side, none of them will have devalued you as a person in the same way that a woman feels devalued in our churches and culture. Why, because your religious and culturally accepted rights as a male remain unchallenged.

Secular society has gone a long way in attempting to address this inequality but the church is way behind, hich is rather sad for two reasons. One, because early attempts at righting these societal injustices were begun by theologically conservative christian women two centuries ago. The other being that Jesus clearly demonstrated, in his earthly ministry, that he was prepared to override the cultural and religious taboos or limitations placed on women.

It may seem to be a trivial matter to us (men) that women appear to be ‘moaning’ about these injustices, especially when compared to the obvious intensity of suffering being experienced by Christians in other parts of the world. But it is never trivial to be marginalised. As christians in the free world we too can experience the derision of the unchurched but it is sad when christian women feel that same derisive and condescending attitude within the church. We should rather be seen as listening to these whisperings of discontent. Jesus would have listened.

God would have us be honest in expressing our feelings and disappointments. At least then they are out in the open and we, and He, can deal with them. The church should be a safe place where women can feel comfortable that they can express these feelings of marginalisation on the basis of gender. The christian community should welcome expressions of concern with understanding and compassion, not with legalistic rules, roles and regulations. The church is meant to be a reconciling agent, a dispenser of mercy and grace.

Finally Issachar, your point about Barzillai is taken. While it did not overturn patriachy, as such, the one thing that it did do was show that context could be taken into consideration and an adjustment could be made to attempt to right an obvious wrong. The danger with hard and fast rules and roles is that context and culture are ignored inviting a legal solution rather than a grace filled one.

What surprises me most is how many people – mostly women – approach me and say, “how’d you get him to do THAT?”. I just have to be polite and let that roll off my back, but truly the implication that I would be so manipulative and he such a push-over can be offensive. It disappoints me that people assume it was all my doing. It is mostly younger women (like myself) who approach me to tell us we’ve done a cool thing.

The other question I get all the time is what to do about kids’ names if this caught on. I just sort of shrug and say, the system won’t really change until it gets to the crisis point, will it? :)

And to Mary Ann: get ready – we receive bills, receipts, and junk mail addressed to every possible form of our first names, previous names, and hyphenation! :) The combinations can be funny. God bless you!

If you don’t consider the issues many women face with name changes a problem, then go on your merry way and don’t worry about it.