The CBE Scroll

Among responsible and useful methods of promoting egalitarian thinking — writing about it, supporting organizations like CBE that promote it, seeking out churches that put it into practice — my favorite is what I call the “auntie model”:  consistently giving loving ideological nudges to those in my closest circle, especially the little ones.

I grew up in a patriarchal family and church.  Though I have had my “aha!” moment and embraced the egalitarian position, most of the rest of my family continue in the patriarchal tradition.  And they take “be fruitful and multiply” seriously: just three siblings have given me (so far) 13 nieces and nephews, none older than 8.  For the most part, their parents are not actively cultivating gender bias, but if there’s one thing kids are good at, it’s picking up on and interpreting adult signals!  So in addition to trying to influence the “big people,” I also have regular opportunities to steer little minds in a new direction, to provide tiny course corrections in the context of a non-parental but just-as-safe-and-unconditional relationship.

Nearly every conversation opens a window to subtle worldview adjustment.  As evidence, I present the following transcripts, all real interactions with my precious little buddies:

NIECE:  Aunt Mindy, why do you have so many folders and file boxes in your office?
AUNTIE:  I guess I’m the kind of person that likes to be neat and organized.
NIECE:  But you’re not a person — you’re a woman!
AUNTIE:  Interesting observation!  Yes, I am a woman, and you will be too when you grow up.  Sit here with me for a second and let’s talk about a big word: “personhood”…

NIECE:  One of our hens is stupid.  We’re going to get rid of her.
AUNTIE:  How do you know she’s stupid?
NIECE:  Because she doesn’t lay eggs!  She’s a girl chicken, it’s her job.  What kind of girl chicken doesn’t want to be a mother?
AUNTIE:  You know, sweetie, God designed hens to do more than lay eggs.  They also eat grubs to keep pastures clean and fertile, they scratch at the dirt and keep it aerated, they help other hens with big families raise their chicks, and they give their feathers and their meat for people to use.  So just because she’s not laying eggs doesn’t mean she’s not valuable to the farm…

NEPHEW:   Wife, make my dinner!  Daughter, make my bed!
AUNTIE:  Whoa – what are you talking about?
NEPHEW:  We’re playing house.  I’m the dad.
AUNTIE:  Oh, I see.  Well, Dad, do your wife and daughter have names?  Yes?  Don’t you think it would be a lot more respectful to call them by their names?  I agree.  And while you’re at it, wouldn’t you really show your love for them if you offered to make them dinner?…

AUNTIE:  So you really like science, huh?  You think you might want to study that in college?
NIECE:  Girls don’t go to college.
AUNTIE:  Really?  Says who?
NIECE:  Well, my dad went to college, but my mom didn’t.
AUNTIE:  That’s true.  College isn’t for everybody.  But I went to college, and there were lots of girls in my science classes.  And some of my professors were girls, too…

You get the idea.  And, no, I am not brainwashing them or disregarding their parents’ authority.  I don’t tell them their parents’ hierarchical structures are unbiblical.  I just stand in their lives as a glimpse of a bigger picture, an alternate voice, a different vision of the world than the one by which they are most often surrounded.  My hope is that they will grow up knowing good people have different ways of understanding these issues rather than unthinkingly parroting what was demonstrated at home.

What a privilege to be an egalitarian auntie!

Questions to start the discussion:
What does the “auntie (or uncle) model” look like in your situation?  Do you employ it in your biological relationships, or perhaps honorary ones with friends’ children or kids at church?  Have you, over time, seen fruit from such endeavors?  And — bonus points for this one! — have you learned anything from your interactions with these little ones about your own blindspots/hang-ups in how you relate to or value others?

On Sunday morning, September 13, 1953, my father faced a really tough decision. My mother was in labor at the end of a troubled pregnancy that had included a late-term case of hard measles. She was headed to the hospital. But Dad was a fundamentalist preacher in a small church and had an obligation to lead the service and give the sermon. The problem was that he had no men to call on to give the sermon.

Enter his mother. She was a deep Christian with a thorough knowledge of the Scripture and led a life of service. She was there to help with the pregnancy. After careful, if hurried, prayer, Dad asked my grandmother to take the service. She agreed to do so.

At least two church members walked out when this woman went up to the pulpit. She would not “usurp” a man’s place by standing behind it, so she stood to one side and down a step.

If I could go back in time, I would rather hear that sermon than witness my own birth. As far as I know, it was the only sermon she ever gave. As the years progressed, my father grew a little more tolerant of women, at one time telling me “women are the backbone of the church.” Unfortunately, he never reached a point where he felt they should teach men. Unless, of course, it was his mother and he had somewhere very important to be.

I’m wondering if other people have had experiences with “breaking the rules” that have had an input on their lives perhaps edging them away from complementarianism; examples of the Spirit overriding human error to use His chosen minister to do His will? I’d love to hear about them.

I think there’s nothing more important than revision. When God matures us and leads us to a new vision or better understanding, we must revise our way of thinking even if it’s a complete embarrassment to ourselves. Looking back on my life, I can see so many times when I was sure of a thing and then it turned out differently. I don’t have regrets about following Him down those paths because of the lessons I learned as a result of them, but it’s funny how in the end, it was not as I was so convicted about.

For example, having an egalitarian view for marriage and the church is completely different than what I had taught and been so convinced about for so long. Only a few years ago, you would find me teaching that men should lead and women should follow. I taught it quite passionately — but even so, what always bothered me was that it always required so much defending. I saw the difficulty in the position when it came to couples who didn’t fit the mold. What about couples where the wife is the more naturally gifted leader and the husband, the follower? “Well,” it was explained to me, “the wife needs to hold back and give the husband a chance to lead.” That sounded all right to me theoretically (after all, the wife has the opportunity to ‘deny herself’), but in practical terms, I saw that it just meant that the wife would continue to come up with the ideas and visions and then have to prod and persuade her husband toward those ideas. It often becomes a subtle game of manipulation as she convinces him that something was his idea, because if she were to remain silent (in order to not lead), then they would not go anywhere. But as I have seen it, the wife rarely stays silent in this situation. The reality is that most couples end up having a more egalitarian marriage than they would profess. It just wouldn’t work if pure hierarchy was the modus operandi. God really has given women brains, gifts and visions — and without her voicing them, a couple really might possibly miss out on God’s will.

I can see though how despite encountering these real-life obstructions to the complementarian mindset, revision might not take place. When I think of a Christian community which I was involved with for many years, I just think of how its culture is built on the hierarchical way of life, and if things were to change, it could cause the whole structure to crumble.

To revise when God gives you new revelation requires true humility and courage. It means you have to admit you were wrong somewhere — and it means you need courage to step forward in a whole new direction.

In what ways have you had to make revisions in your life as you have followed God in your journey toward biblical equality?

As I write this, my sister is in labor, giving birth to a daughter. This child, whom none of her expectant family have yet laid eyes upon, has already showered us with an abundance of joy—not least because my sister had nearly given up hope of conceiving a child.

When I see lived before me what the promise of a little girl can offer to a family, I shudder to remember the countless baby daughters who have been sacrificed because of their gender, left in the rubbish heaps of previous centuries to die of exposure in exchange for the “greater blessing” a brother would offer. I (unsuccessfully) try not to stand in judgment, because I cannot understand the grinding poverty and insurmountable social structures that drove past (and, dreadfully, still drives some present) parents to accept this way of life and death. I thank God for his promise to someday right all injustices in holy judgment! And as I grow older, I am increasingly grateful for the multitude of remarkable women over the centuries who survived their cultures’ high cost of womanhood and who looked to Christ, instead of patriarchs, for their true identities and authority.

Many gifted daughters of God have found their strength and value in the one in whom “we live and move and have our being.” With gratitude for his mercy, these women devoted themselves to every realm of kingdom service: some in constant prayer, some in care for the sick and destitute, some in the teaching of his Word, some in the oversight of monastic communities. Every era of Christian history has been shepherded by faithful women laboring alone or alongside their believing brothers.

Take Macrina (324-379), for example. Following the deaths of her father and her fiancé (the latter of whom died when she was 12), she took on the leadership of a religious community at her family estate in Cappadocia. By instruction and example, she had such a profound influence on her younger brothers Basil and Gregory—future leading bishops of the Eastern Church who respectfully referred to her as “the Teacher”—that the three of them became known to history as the “Great Cappadocians.”

Or Clare of Assisi (1194-1253). A devout Italian teenager, she refused to accept an arranged marriage to a wealthy noble and instead took vows of poverty and chastity, choosing to spend her days in prayer, manual labor, and the spiritual guidance of the many women who subsequently joined her—eventually including her own sister and mother.

Or Fidelia Fiske (1816-1864). Her family thought her unmarried status and recent battle with typhoid rendered her unfit for the mission field. But seminary-trained and persuaded of her call, she left New England for what is now Iran. There she convinced fathers who had decided they could only afford to feed their sons to give her their daughters instead of forcing them into prostitution. She became mother, nurse, and teacher, training dozens of girls to minister in the name of Christ to other outcasts of their society.

Or Pandita Ramabai (1858-1922). Raised in India by a Brahmin father who lost his job for educating his wife and daughter, after her conversion to Christianity she became a Bible translator and social reformer. She wrote against the devastating traditional practices of child marriage, polygamy, and sati (in which a widow, considered part of her husband’s body, is burned to death with his corpse), and founded a still-existing mission to provide refuge for young widows.

Today, in the spirit of these foremothers, Baby Jovie begins her own journey. What a legacy of wise female leadership our Christian tradition offers my newborn niece! My prayer is that she will receive this gift with joy and humility, and leave her mark on all the baby girls (and boys)—of infinite value to Jesus—who follow her in the worship and service of our Holy God.

Mutuality is now accepting articles (and discussion surrounding the issue) for the Summer 2008 issue on ‘Resolving Conflicts.’

Topic ideas include, but are not limited to:

• How convictions about biblical equality and gender justice apply to resolving conflict
• Biblical alternatives to ‘the tie-breaking-vote’ model of conflict resolution by female submission to male headship
• The importance of prayer for resolving conflict
• Whether there is a ‘middle way’ between egalitarianism and male headship
• Appropriate and inappropriate anger
• Biblical reflections: examples of how Jesus handled conflict, Jacob and Esau’s reconciliation, rivalry between Sarah and Hagar, etc.
• Examples of Christians who are/were reconcilers as well as examples of Christians who refuse(d) to compromise on truth
• Practical tips and reflections on race and gender reconciliation in Christ

Please send specific ideas or proposals to mgreulich@cbeinternational.org.