The CBE Scroll

This was my first response to a friend who was inspired by the American revivalist preacher, Paul Washer, in his series on “What it takes to be a man.”  My friend and I are still discussing this issue, but you may wish to comment after viewing, or listening to the sermon content yourself here.

Managed to track down the ‘U tube’ audio of the “What it takes to be a man” message. Pleased to hear that it had such an impact for you personally. The message was in 6×10 minute segments and took a bit of getting through but I got the gist of it. While I can appreciate the guy’s sincerity, passion and belief that this is what the Bible teaches, I did find it very stereotypical, with constant references to manliness and his love for hunting etc. He is right on the money about the western mindset of dating and of how unbiblical and harmful it can be in the development of responsible relationships. Where I strongly disagree with him though is on the issue of men being designed to lead women and to be the sole provider and protector. His premise that until a man is willing to lead and provide for a woman he should not be considering dating a woman, leaves men with the notion that they are destined by God to lead and women are designed to simply follow their lead.

Granted, for some men, possibly yourself included, this seems to give a real purpose for the male role within the marriage, and a lot of what he has to say in that respect is very admirable, but I still hold to the view that “in Christ” men and women are equals which means that each shares the responsibility of leading, discipling and parenting children. Both should be respected and listened to by one another first, and then by the children as they are nurtured within the home. Both have opinions to bring to the table as together they seek to have a home that glorifies the Lord. The danger of this teaching, which I have to admit is very popular, is that a woman can be relegated to the pretty, empty headed and spiritually deficient little thing whose only job in life is to take care of her man by always being there for him and making sure that both she and the home is a place that is attractive to her husband so that he is not tempted to stray.

I will be the first to admit that men, as a general rule, do not step up to the plate and take responsibility within the home, and in that respect messages like this are very timely to motivate men. My concern is that as admirable and passionate as this sounds, it is still culturally rather than biblically motivated. These ideas of family are dated and probably belong in the post war, 1950′s family TV show era. True Biblical injunctions on the other hand are timeless and supra-cultural in that they transcend all cultural, ethnic and class settings. Big words and ideas but what they mean is this; Christ came to fully redeem both men and women from the effects of the curse. Life and work doesn’t have to be difficult and a hard slog as Paul Washer suggests. We are meant to be “in Christ” (as men and women), walking in the spirit, operating from a position of “rest” and total reliance on Him. Both genders are to cultivate the fruit of the Spirit and display a “considering one another, provoking one another to love and good deeds” kind of atmosphere within the home. This can only happen when couples are prepared to be mutually submissive to one another.

So….preparing couples for marriage should include the kind of teaching that doesn’t condemn us to grit our teeth and live out the effects of the curse but should entice and excite us to live in the “new way”, the way of the Spirit, that sets us free and allows both men and women to be all that God wants them to be. The only thing that isn’t easy about this is that we each must give up the rights to our own life and allow Jesus to call the tune. If we are both doing that then it is a win-win situation because each of us is willing to submit to the will of God for our family and for each other. In that sense we can break free of cultural expectations, which exist even in the church, and carve out our own destiny under the guidance of God and His Word. When married couples have the same Christ centred expectations of their relationship, marriage and Kingdom living there is nothing that will create a need for one to have leadership responsibility over the other.

Among responsible and useful methods of promoting egalitarian thinking — writing about it, supporting organizations like CBE that promote it, seeking out churches that put it into practice — my favorite is what I call the “auntie model”:  consistently giving loving ideological nudges to those in my closest circle, especially the little ones.

I grew up in a patriarchal family and church.  Though I have had my “aha!” moment and embraced the egalitarian position, most of the rest of my family continue in the patriarchal tradition.  And they take “be fruitful and multiply” seriously: just three siblings have given me (so far) 13 nieces and nephews, none older than 8.  For the most part, their parents are not actively cultivating gender bias, but if there’s one thing kids are good at, it’s picking up on and interpreting adult signals!  So in addition to trying to influence the “big people,” I also have regular opportunities to steer little minds in a new direction, to provide tiny course corrections in the context of a non-parental but just-as-safe-and-unconditional relationship.

Nearly every conversation opens a window to subtle worldview adjustment.  As evidence, I present the following transcripts, all real interactions with my precious little buddies:

NIECE:  Aunt Mindy, why do you have so many folders and file boxes in your office?
AUNTIE:  I guess I’m the kind of person that likes to be neat and organized.
NIECE:  But you’re not a person — you’re a woman!
AUNTIE:  Interesting observation!  Yes, I am a woman, and you will be too when you grow up.  Sit here with me for a second and let’s talk about a big word: “personhood”…

NIECE:  One of our hens is stupid.  We’re going to get rid of her.
AUNTIE:  How do you know she’s stupid?
NIECE:  Because she doesn’t lay eggs!  She’s a girl chicken, it’s her job.  What kind of girl chicken doesn’t want to be a mother?
AUNTIE:  You know, sweetie, God designed hens to do more than lay eggs.  They also eat grubs to keep pastures clean and fertile, they scratch at the dirt and keep it aerated, they help other hens with big families raise their chicks, and they give their feathers and their meat for people to use.  So just because she’s not laying eggs doesn’t mean she’s not valuable to the farm…

NEPHEW:   Wife, make my dinner!  Daughter, make my bed!
AUNTIE:  Whoa – what are you talking about?
NEPHEW:  We’re playing house.  I’m the dad.
AUNTIE:  Oh, I see.  Well, Dad, do your wife and daughter have names?  Yes?  Don’t you think it would be a lot more respectful to call them by their names?  I agree.  And while you’re at it, wouldn’t you really show your love for them if you offered to make them dinner?…

AUNTIE:  So you really like science, huh?  You think you might want to study that in college?
NIECE:  Girls don’t go to college.
AUNTIE:  Really?  Says who?
NIECE:  Well, my dad went to college, but my mom didn’t.
AUNTIE:  That’s true.  College isn’t for everybody.  But I went to college, and there were lots of girls in my science classes.  And some of my professors were girls, too…

You get the idea.  And, no, I am not brainwashing them or disregarding their parents’ authority.  I don’t tell them their parents’ hierarchical structures are unbiblical.  I just stand in their lives as a glimpse of a bigger picture, an alternate voice, a different vision of the world than the one by which they are most often surrounded.  My hope is that they will grow up knowing good people have different ways of understanding these issues rather than unthinkingly parroting what was demonstrated at home.

What a privilege to be an egalitarian auntie!

Questions to start the discussion:
What does the “auntie (or uncle) model” look like in your situation?  Do you employ it in your biological relationships, or perhaps honorary ones with friends’ children or kids at church?  Have you, over time, seen fruit from such endeavors?  And — bonus points for this one! — have you learned anything from your interactions with these little ones about your own blindspots/hang-ups in how you relate to or value others?

On Sunday morning, September 13, 1953, my father faced a really tough decision. My mother was in labor at the end of a troubled pregnancy that had included a late-term case of hard measles. She was headed to the hospital. But Dad was a fundamentalist preacher in a small church and had an obligation to lead the service and give the sermon. The problem was that he had no men to call on to give the sermon.

Enter his mother. She was a deep Christian with a thorough knowledge of the Scripture and led a life of service. She was there to help with the pregnancy. After careful, if hurried, prayer, Dad asked my grandmother to take the service. She agreed to do so.

At least two church members walked out when this woman went up to the pulpit. She would not “usurp” a man’s place by standing behind it, so she stood to one side and down a step.

If I could go back in time, I would rather hear that sermon than witness my own birth. As far as I know, it was the only sermon she ever gave. As the years progressed, my father grew a little more tolerant of women, at one time telling me “women are the backbone of the church.” Unfortunately, he never reached a point where he felt they should teach men. Unless, of course, it was his mother and he had somewhere very important to be.

I’m wondering if other people have had experiences with “breaking the rules” that have had an input on their lives perhaps edging them away from complementarianism; examples of the Spirit overriding human error to use His chosen minister to do His will? I’d love to hear about them.

I think there’s nothing more important than revision. When God matures us and leads us to a new vision or better understanding, we must revise our way of thinking even if it’s a complete embarrassment to ourselves. Looking back on my life, I can see so many times when I was sure of a thing and then it turned out differently. I don’t have regrets about following Him down those paths because of the lessons I learned as a result of them, but it’s funny how in the end, it was not as I was so convicted about.

For example, having an egalitarian view for marriage and the church is completely different than what I had taught and been so convinced about for so long. Only a few years ago, you would find me teaching that men should lead and women should follow. I taught it quite passionately — but even so, what always bothered me was that it always required so much defending. I saw the difficulty in the position when it came to couples who didn’t fit the mold. What about couples where the wife is the more naturally gifted leader and the husband, the follower? “Well,” it was explained to me, “the wife needs to hold back and give the husband a chance to lead.” That sounded all right to me theoretically (after all, the wife has the opportunity to ‘deny herself’), but in practical terms, I saw that it just meant that the wife would continue to come up with the ideas and visions and then have to prod and persuade her husband toward those ideas. It often becomes a subtle game of manipulation as she convinces him that something was his idea, because if she were to remain silent (in order to not lead), then they would not go anywhere. But as I have seen it, the wife rarely stays silent in this situation. The reality is that most couples end up having a more egalitarian marriage than they would profess. It just wouldn’t work if pure hierarchy was the modus operandi. God really has given women brains, gifts and visions — and without her voicing them, a couple really might possibly miss out on God’s will.

I can see though how despite encountering these real-life obstructions to the complementarian mindset, revision might not take place. When I think of a Christian community which I was involved with for many years, I just think of how its culture is built on the hierarchical way of life, and if things were to change, it could cause the whole structure to crumble.

To revise when God gives you new revelation requires true humility and courage. It means you have to admit you were wrong somewhere — and it means you need courage to step forward in a whole new direction.

In what ways have you had to make revisions in your life as you have followed God in your journey toward biblical equality?

As I write this, my sister is in labor, giving birth to a daughter. This child, whom none of her expectant family have yet laid eyes upon, has already showered us with an abundance of joy—not least because my sister had nearly given up hope of conceiving a child.

When I see lived before me what the promise of a little girl can offer to a family, I shudder to remember the countless baby daughters who have been sacrificed because of their gender, left in the rubbish heaps of previous centuries to die of exposure in exchange for the “greater blessing” a brother would offer. I (unsuccessfully) try not to stand in judgment, because I cannot understand the grinding poverty and insurmountable social structures that drove past (and, dreadfully, still drives some present) parents to accept this way of life and death. I thank God for his promise to someday right all injustices in holy judgment! And as I grow older, I am increasingly grateful for the multitude of remarkable women over the centuries who survived their cultures’ high cost of womanhood and who looked to Christ, instead of patriarchs, for their true identities and authority.

Many gifted daughters of God have found their strength and value in the one in whom “we live and move and have our being.” With gratitude for his mercy, these women devoted themselves to every realm of kingdom service: some in constant prayer, some in care for the sick and destitute, some in the teaching of his Word, some in the oversight of monastic communities. Every era of Christian history has been shepherded by faithful women laboring alone or alongside their believing brothers.

Take Macrina (324-379), for example. Following the deaths of her father and her fiancé (the latter of whom died when she was 12), she took on the leadership of a religious community at her family estate in Cappadocia. By instruction and example, she had such a profound influence on her younger brothers Basil and Gregory—future leading bishops of the Eastern Church who respectfully referred to her as “the Teacher”—that the three of them became known to history as the “Great Cappadocians.”

Or Clare of Assisi (1194-1253). A devout Italian teenager, she refused to accept an arranged marriage to a wealthy noble and instead took vows of poverty and chastity, choosing to spend her days in prayer, manual labor, and the spiritual guidance of the many women who subsequently joined her—eventually including her own sister and mother.

Or Fidelia Fiske (1816-1864). Her family thought her unmarried status and recent battle with typhoid rendered her unfit for the mission field. But seminary-trained and persuaded of her call, she left New England for what is now Iran. There she convinced fathers who had decided they could only afford to feed their sons to give her their daughters instead of forcing them into prostitution. She became mother, nurse, and teacher, training dozens of girls to minister in the name of Christ to other outcasts of their society.

Or Pandita Ramabai (1858-1922). Raised in India by a Brahmin father who lost his job for educating his wife and daughter, after her conversion to Christianity she became a Bible translator and social reformer. She wrote against the devastating traditional practices of child marriage, polygamy, and sati (in which a widow, considered part of her husband’s body, is burned to death with his corpse), and founded a still-existing mission to provide refuge for young widows.

Today, in the spirit of these foremothers, Baby Jovie begins her own journey. What a legacy of wise female leadership our Christian tradition offers my newborn niece! My prayer is that she will receive this gift with joy and humility, and leave her mark on all the baby girls (and boys)—of infinite value to Jesus—who follow her in the worship and service of our Holy God.