The CBE Scroll

I did not get to experience the mutual love and support that some of you have shared is your experience. I am truly glad for you, because that is what I believe is God’s intention for marriage.

My own experience was one of intolerance and abuse in my home until the death of my husband. The Bible tells us that God heals the brokenhearted, and of course I prayed for healing. But healing doesn’t always come with someone’s emphatic prayer or a little dab of oil on your forehead. For me, the single most significant turning point was one morning when our pastor spoke on the marriage relationship, describing how it is for companionship and care and protection of one another. A great sorrow swept over me and I thought, “Oh, just look at what I’ve missed, what I’m now never going to have!” And God spoke in my heart, as clearly as if He had said it out loud, “You have been so hurt and disappointed that you have forgotten how strong and sufficient I was for you in the 37 years you were single.” That changed my outlook completely, because from that day until now I have tried to turn my attention to new ways of remembering how faithful God was to me for so many years . I choose to turn the pain into something positive. This is a very real thing to me, not just another slick way of learning to cope. I choose to think this way. It is an intentional decision.

When I recall, “We were sitting in this very restaurant when Dennis [not his real name] got angry and stomped out.” Then I say, “But oh, Lord, I am grateful that You are so patient. You have never threatened to leave me.”

“Here were all these lies, a whole web of deceit in Dennis’s life. But God, You are the Faithful One! You are always reliable, perfect in your trustworthiness.”

“So much scorn was heaped on me. But You, Lord, have always treated me with respect. You have led me through difficult circumstances sometimes, but You have never tried to humiliate me.”

And so on through every painful memory. “Lord, You are the perfect Giver. Thank You for giving to me everything pertaining to life and godliness, not for what You might get in return, but out of Your love for me!”

“God, You are not one who wields the control that bars my humanity. You are in control because You are God, but You don’t rule Your obedient child with a harsh rod. Thank You!

“I thank You for Your love that is pure, untainted by unrighteous motives. You have nothing to prove about Yourself. And you have no need to make me prove something!”

“God, You are not fickle and changing. With You there is no shadow of turning. Thank You that I never have to question your continued love and loyalty.”

“Lord, Your words are sweet when You speak to me! Even when You correct me, I feel Your love lifting me to a better place.”

“God, I love Your sense of humor! It is so gentle. You don’t laugh when people are put down and you never make light of life’s issues. Thank You!

“Lord, You did not choose comfort, but the way of the Cross. I am so grateful that You did not choose ease but sacrifice.”’

“God, You know who You are, the great I AM. You know who I am. And You are letting me learn who we are! Thank You, thank You!”

This has changed not only my response to sad memories, but it has also given me a better understanding of God the Father and a closer relationship with Him. The Scripture even talks about Him being the husband of the forsaken, and that is a beautiful thought to hold onto if one has been hurt and disappointed. While I thought God’s intention was for my marriage to be for my joy and blessing, I think it’s entirely possible that the deeper understanding and relationship with God that I now enjoy is what He most desired. I thought that Dennis and I would have this beautiful marriage and grow old together. This was supposed to be the best part of our lives. I think that is what could have and should have happened, so my experience has been one of terrible disappointment. There is sorrow for myself, of course, but for God too, that He didn’t get to see His plan worked out as He intended. God is God, but I think He still does not always get what He most wishes because He lets us make choices. Sadly, we sometimes do not co-operate with Him in what is one of life’s greatest shared adventures!

Some bad words have more than four letters.

Here is a ten-letter word, with terrible meaning for many people:   SUBMISSION

Did you think of any particular group of people when you read the above? Slaves? Probably not. Children? Maybe. Women, especially wives? Many women would answer, “Yes, without question.” But  you perhaps didn’t think of wives at all; you wouldn’t have any reason to unless you had experienced the negative results of cultural and/or religious subordination of women. Especially in very conservative religious groups, there is concentrated teaching on the subjection of women to their husbands.

The Scripture passage often quoted for this view is an abbreviated version of I Peter 3:1, which says, “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives.” The shortened form we most often hear is only, “Wives, be submissive to your husbands.” Clearly, this is not all that the Scripture means to say. With the words, “in the same way,” Peter is referring back to verses in chapter 2. He speaks of suffering, reminding us that one can bear up under unjust suffering when he/she is God-conscious. He warns us, “To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth. When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.” (I Peter 2:21-23) So what Peter is really saying is, “Women, be like Jesus.”

We sometimes forget to continue reading verses further down on the page: “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.” (I Peter 3:7) There are many ways in which women are not weaker at all, although it is true that females often lack the size, the muscular strength, and the vocal power of males. Men are called upon to treat those differences with respect. What Peter is really saying is, “Fellows, be like Jesus.” By ignoring the gracious gift of God’s life in both husband and wife, the man puts himself in grave danger:   His prayers will be ineffectual.

Submission was not intended to create a master-servant relationship nor even a formal authority figure; it was not meant for the control of one person over another. Submission to each other was urged in order for there to be harmony. “Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.”  (I Peter 3:8, 9)  Have men and women alike forgotten the calling we have to live in harmony and be a blessing to one another?

Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright©1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

By Ryan and Anna Snyder

In the most recent edition of Mutuality, we wrote an article titled “When We Said ‘I Do,’” which discussed how we tried to tell an egalitarian story with our wedding.  From the making of mutual decisions while planning the ceremony, to the symbol of equality we provided by having both sets of parents walk us down the aisle, to the promise we each made to love, respect, and submit to the other in our vows, we tried to put our beliefs about the equality of women and men on display.  However, as we noted in the article, often we followed more traditional ways of doing things.  Sometimes we wanted to – but often we knew of no other option.

Thus, in the spirit of encouraging conversation, we wanted to discuss a few of the more firmly-entrenched traditions we followed, and ask for feedback about how others might choose differently. We aren’t saying we regret our choices, or criticizing people who choose these paths. We simply want to provide a forum to discuss new ideas, options, and resources for those who want them.

The Proposal

Traditionally, the man enjoys the privilege (or bears the burden, depending on his viewpoint) of planning the proposal – often without any input from the woman at all.  This places sole responsibility for the leading of the relationship with the man while requiring the woman to sit and wait patiently (or not so patiently, depending on her viewpoint), for the man to make one of the biggest decisions of their relationship on his own.  If a couple were so inclined, what would it look like for both him and her to be involved in this decision?  Would it be possible for a couple to sit down together and collectively make the decision to move forward into engagement? Would this method ruin the “surprise” factor of a proposal, and if so, is it a sacrifice worth making?

Talking to Parents

Many men approach the woman’s father (and sometimes both parents) to ask permission to propose. This custom developed because people viewed the daughter as property. The man’s parents and the woman herself are left out of the conversation.  How could the woman and the man honor all of their parents at this stage of the relationship? What would it look like to get away from the stereotype that requires a woman to get her father’s permission to get married, while a man needs none?

Engagement Ring(s)

As in a traditional engagement, Ryan purchased an engagement ring which he presented to me (Anna) when he asked me to marry him. My acceptance and wearing of the ring indicated my commitment to future marriage, which was visible to all. So why, I now wonder, do men not also wear a sign of their commitment? I’ve done some research and found evidence of the growing popularity of male engagement rings, along with other tokens of commitment such as watches. I find giving Ryan gifts highly enjoyable and if I could go back I would have presented Ryan with an engagement ring of sorts, whether at the time of his proposal to me, or another time. What do you think of the tradition of only the woman receiving a sign of the future marriage? What are your thoughts of men wearing a ring? How could a couple better show their mutual commitment to one another?

This list is by no means exhaustive. What other subtle signs of hierarchy do couples face? How could a couple put a belief in equality into practice in those areas?

A book review by Anna and Ryan Snyder

This past fall, when we first learned John and Stasi Eldredge had written Love and War, a book on marriage, our initial reaction was negative, to say the least. Don’t get us wrong, we find the Eldredges’ desire to help people improve their marriages admirable. But having just finished re-reading large portions of Wild at Heart and Captivating, their books on men and women, respectively, we instinctively worried about the advice they would give. The Eldredges often claim God created men and women as almost complete opposites, and as a couple firmly committed to the idea that women and men have more similarities in their humanity than they do differences in their gender, we weren’t clamoring to see this type of approach applied to marriage.

The book, however, exceeded our expectations. At times, we actually found ourselves wanting to like it. Unfortunately, at its conclusion, the negatives still outweighed the positives.

Focusing largely on their own experiences, the Eldredges begin by asserting marriage is “fabulously hard” (p. 13). In fact, given that (1) men and women are complete opposites, (2) we are all broken people, and (3) Satan hates marriage, they say it is a “miracle of the first order” that any marriage makes it all (p. 14). However, despite these difficulties, marriage plays a crucial role in God’s story. We live in a world at war, they write, and God gives us marriage to provide us with companionship, and as a picture of his love. Thus, although marriage is excruciatingly hard, God is on our side.

With all this in mind the Eldredges proceed to discuss a number of important, marriage-related issues. From communication, to sex, to having a shared mission in one’s marriage, they offer input and advice, much of it helpful. For example, they explain how people’s brokenness contributes to problems with their spouse, and they encourage people to embrace the resulting conflict as a way of seeking transformation. Additionally, their discussion of the need for both spouses to seek fulfillment in Christ, rather than each other, was commendable. Much of their advice even borders on being pro-egalitarian; they advise a process of mutual decision-making and encourage couples to exercise authority together in matters of spiritual warfare.

However, despite its good points, we reluctantly found ourselves increasingly frustrated with the authors. Their extreme negativity about marriage was exhausting; a few of the more choice examples include comparing the exchanging of wedding vows to the special forces “vowing their lives to one another as they embark on a perilous mission in dark lands, the outcome of which remains quite uncertain,” (p. 4), and claiming “if you cannot admit the disappointment of your marriage, you have made an idol out of it,” (p. 67). They also resort to stereotypes, often attributing marital difficulties to irreconcilable differences between the genders. Sadly, by persuading men and women they are complete opposites and that marriage is almost impossible, they may well convince them their marriage is irreparable, the exact problem the authors are trying to correct.

The authors also treat Scripture carelessly, taking it out of context and providing incomplete quotations, without indicating they have done so. They use pop culture even more heavily than they use the Bible, reporting that human-made movies and stories prove how God intended the world to be. Also, throughout the book the Eldredges often muffle their own meaning with indirect, unstructured, and hard to follow writing. They are overly repetitive both with unclear and weakly constructed analogies and by restating nearly all of Wild at Heart and Captivating.

When we finished with the book, we were left wondering why our marriage is not as hard as the authors say it should be. We have never contemplated divorce, wondered whether we made a mistake in getting married, or threw our hands up in resignation to the fact that marriage is just so hard. While it is true we have only been married for roughly two years, according to the authors, we should have found ourselves wildly disappointed with our marriage by now, or even contemplating divorce, as they were at this point. Yet, while marriage is sometimes difficult, the overwhelming majority of the time we have found it to be better than we ever imagined.

So why do the authors insist marriage is so difficult? Has this been true of your marriage…or are we abnormal in experiencing a joyful and fulfilling marriage? (We doubt the latter is the case.) Why is everyone – Christians included – so down on marriage? Is this a self-fulfilling prophecy (the old ball and chain, etc.)? What causes divorce rates to hover at 50% both within the church and outside it? What are we missing?

Imagine a sanctuary filled with teachers and students of various ages singing:
            “It’s the child on his wedding day,
             It’s the mommy that gives him away,
             Something beautiful”
A child on his wedding day… given away. Pause for a moment and think about that. Young, teenage boys married off to older, wiser, and more mature women… mothers handing over the care of their sons to other women… sons never allowed to become fully functioning adults but instead, entrusted to the parental-type care of a matriarchal wife who will always decide what is best for her husband. Would you find this strange and alarming? 

While I’m sure that the above, altered version of a currently popular song would sound very bizarre to our ears, the real lyrics seem to invoke a sweet and innocent nostalgia when the gender is reversed. 

Recently, one of my children invited me to attend her school’s weekly chapel where this song was part of the program. As the students and teachers sang, I chose not to sing along because it conjured up images, for me, of immature brides being given away like merchandise. I grasp that for many people it is nothing more than an innocent, sentimental, figurative description of a daddy letting go of his beloved daughter. Because I understand that the musicians are generally supportive of gender equality, I think that they simply did not think through all of the possible ramifications that these particular words could convey. So while I comprehend that these lyrics were just meant to evoke happy memories and to romanticize “traditional” wedding ceremonies, I can’t help to also perceive that these lyrics may work to devalue women. Consequently, it does not leave a beautiful picture in my mind.

There is within present-day Christianity those who glorify patriarchal families which treat women like perpetual children who will always need adult male guardianship. Men are viewed as the analyzing, discerning brains of the family who get to hear directly from God, while women are viewed as the tender, nurturing heart of the family who get to hear their husbands tell them what God’s will is for them. So the choice of the word “child” in this song causes me to picture a childlike bride who still needs adult supervision and guidance from her more mature groom. Personally, I think it would be better if Christian songs conveyed that the bride is a consenting adult on her wedding night.

The “giving away” of the bride, while figuratively representing the daddy “letting go of his little girl,” can also be a stark reminder of girls who are still literally given (or sold) away. Whether figurative or literal, it still expresses that the bride is a possession even if her daddy has cherished her. The groom is not correspondingly “given away” to his bride. Since free human beings are not possessions, then is the bride not fully human or is she permanently enslaved to men? During the traditional wedding ceremony, the bride is usually walked down the aisle by her dad and delivered over to her awaiting groom. No parallel symbolism occurs for the groom leaving his family. Also, it is the cultural norm for the groom to retain his family name while the bride usually loses or “leaves” hers. Compare these cultural traditions with Genesis where we are told that “a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24 TNIV)