The CBE Scroll

“There’s a video I want you to see,” my roommate Kate told me earlier this week. “I think it might be really bad.”

Of course that piqued my interest. “Bad” You Tube videos come in many different flavors: Would this video be poor quality, offensive, or just plain bizarre? With wide eyes and low expectations, I turned toward Kate’s computer.

As it turned out, the video’s humor was based on a grossly exaggerated negative stereotype of a U.S. American man of one culture hitting on a woman of another at the cinema. Kate had been introduced to the clip after the Bible study she co-leads, and while she chuckled at it ridiculousness, she found it completely offensive, inappropriate, and unfair.

Against the opinion of many friends, I agreed that the video was racist, and I was frustrated the skit had aired on a major television network. However, after further consideration I realized it does convey a sliver of truth. Even if its portrayal of women and men of certain cultures is inaccurate, it shows that someone somewhere finds the way certain men relate to certain women disgusting. This focus on supposed differences can lead us to consider a larger issue at hand: If not as the video portrays, how do we behave when we’re interacting across both gender and cultural lines?

Every (sub-)cultural group has its own flirtation norms, meaning that when individuals of two cultures interact, they’re often playing by two sets of rules. Men and women are frequently on separate pages already, so compounding that existing divide with an ethnic-or class-based cultural gap can make communication quite complex, especially when it comes to initiating (or stalling) romance.

I think for us as egalitarians, these cultural differences make life pretty darn tricky. Sometimes the male-female scripts of a particular culture don’t seem to match up with my egalitarian ideals, and it’s easy to rush to (sometimes inaccurately) label others as sexist. My lack of cultural fluency sometimes leaves me confused about whether a man is hitting on me or how I might respond appropriately, which might in extreme situations lead to cases of potential sexual harassment, as one culture would define. And obviously, ignorance paired with prejudice leads to the kind of media portrayal we saw in this video.

The long-term solution, I think, is to pair our work for local and global gender equality with intentional efforts to understand people that are culturally different from us. As we get to know them and better get to know ourselves, we’ll be able to live together with less miscommunication. Greater clarity in all relationships will benefit cross-gender relations, as well, as we begin to understand the rules that dictate flirting, friendship, and the like. Plus, confusing—even offending—each other gives us practice embracing patience and grace.

In the meantime, any thoughts on navigating male-female interaction across the cultural divide?

The body is what is seen by sighted people, and maybe here lies a clue! Sight-impaired people have a distinct advantage in that they are not affected by what people look like, and even the expression on a face is lost to the blind person. I know that when I was marking correspondence lessons for overseas students it was a relief to know that my physical presence was not going to adversely affect their consideration of the Christian faith.

Now, if we could only learn to look beyond the physical appearance of a person and get to know the heart it would solve a lot of issues including those of pornography, lust, objectification, etc.

God chose to give us a human body for our limited time on earth, so it must be a good thing in itself. However, the body has been affected by sin just like everything else, and as we age the beauty and innocence of our bodies gets tarnished either from sin or decay. Throughout Scripture, the body is described as a house for the real person inside – a temporary place of residence while on this earth. There are references to caring for our bodies, protecting more sensitive parts, not using our bodies for wrong purposes, as well as extolling the place of the body in honorable lovemaking.

Psalm 139 says we are fearfully and wonderfully made, so if we believe that for ourselves and other people it should help us to have a balanced attitude to our temporary bodies. A person who does not recognize or believe in God or life after death can have a careless attitude towards bodies and the people they house because there is no sense of permanence for the personality which shines out. Whereas, for those of us who believe, our bodies can be vehicles through which the light of God can shine.

We can’t change the way others look at bodies but we can let our light shine in the way we treat other people and then maybe some may see our ‘good works’ and give praise to our God.

I came across a young woman’s blog the other day who wrote about how much she appreciated and was impressed by the guys in her group asking that all the girls be careful about the way they dressed so that they wouldn’t cause the brothers to ‘stumble.’ And with great endorsement, she exhorted, ‘To all my sisters out there: dress responsibly.’

Back in the day in my youth group as well as my college fellowship, I heard the same kind of rhetoric being promoted. In talks about purity, it was always the girls who were called out. Fingers were wagged at the girls to be selective about what they wore in order to keep guys pure. And the message was clear: girls, it’s your responsibility to keep the guys from lusting, and if they do end up sinning (lusting), it’s your fault for not being careful!

What does this do but give a girl an inaccurately negative concept of her body and her sexuality?

Yes, it is true that women should dress responsibly (I, in no way would dispute avoiding scandalous, revealing clothes), but at the same time I would add to this young woman’s blog, ‘Boys: look away and stop lusting!’ She failed to mention this as do many youth pastors and counselors (and sadly, I must confess, even me in my complementarian days as a youth advisor).

In every message about purity to young people, it needs to be made clear that it is not the girls’ responsibility to keep their brothers from stumbling; it is the guys’ responsibility to keep themselves from stumbling. It is the brothers who need to avert their eyes and control their passions.

Have you heard similar one-sided teaching? How is sexual purity taught in your church? How can it be improved?

My husband recently sent me a link to an news blurb about new traffic signal laws which were passed last year in Spain. In an effort to do away with sexism, the Spanish town council of Madrid decreed that half of all road signs and traffic signals should alternate between male and female walking figures. And how can you tell it’s a female figure? The silhouettes will have ‘feminine attributes’ such as a skirt, ribbon, and ponytail instead of simply being the outline of a striding man. This is their way of fighting inequality in their streets and giving women more visibility. Some quotes from the people in Madrid:

‘It’s fantastic, but there’s still a lot to fight for. There are many things that need fighting for so women can finally be valued for what we are worth.’

‘I don’t think it will contribute much to promote equality, but at least it gives women a place there [in traffic lights].’

‘I think it’s really silly. A single sign changing from green to red, allowing or prohibiting crossing is enough.’

Personally, I can see that they have the best interest at heart, but unfortunately, their simple solution seems to underscore the opposite of their intention. Aren’t they just reinforcing the old sexist stereotypes of feminism – skirts, ribbons, and ponytails? What do you think? Is this silly or significant?

Here is the link to the story.

Is a woman’s value based on the shape of her body? How many of us were influenced through our culture to believe that the most important thing about being a woman was her visual appeal to men?

In my case, my family was very good in the way it valued women. My father didn’t look at other women, even though my mother was overweight. There were no suggestive magazines around. But even though my home environment was positive, the overall culture emphasized that what was most important about a woman was the shape of her body. Women who dressed suggestively were praised and favored by men. They were celebrated by the culture. I found myself tempted to dress in a manner that emphasized my body. Thankfully, between my home environment and my Christian faith I was able to resist the temptation and never acted on it.

Through the grace of God I no longer have this temptation. It’s not that I don’t want to get married, I do. But, I no longer see the shape of my body as being important.

How seriously are women being deceived by our culture into believing our value is based on the shape of our body, with those women with more curvy features being considered more valuable than women with less curvy features? I know it affected me as evidenced by the years it took for me to lose the desire to dress suggestively.

How has it affected your life?